Perspective

The past few weeks have been trying to say the least, but I am trying to have the most positive attitude that I can.  I have sat and thought about my life and where I am heading.  To say I have had a great life is not exactly true, but I haven't had a bad life either.

As I sit here contemplating my next move, I went over the past to try to understand what my life has given me.  So much has happened in my life that I don't know where to start.

I think putting it down on here might help get a little more perspective.

My parents divorced when I was 15.  My mom moved  us when I was 16 to Upper Michigan to finish out school.  Little did I know where life would take me.  I was going to school in Marquette where my friend Marie and Karen introduced me to a fire fighter.  He was a strange guy, but showered me with attention.  I didn't realize at the time what I was getting into.  We started dating during the end of my Junior year of High School.  He was 21 and I had just turned 17.  I was enamored by the thought of having a boy friend, all my friends had one so why not me!  My mom took a job in Newberry - 2 hours from where he lived.  I started my senior year of high school and quickly found out I was pregnant.  My mom was hurt, shocked and just wanted me to finish school.  She didn't want me to get married and move away, but I had other plans - to get outta there as quickly as possible.  I figured out just what a temper he had during a snow storm.  He got so mad he kicked in the front grill of his car.  I was scared, because my mom went through similar things with my father, but I didn't care - I just knew I was in love.  He and I got married in Jan. 89.  I was 17 and didn't care what my family thought.  I found out in March that I had had a miscarriage, but that I was pregnant again.  I was upset and excited at the same time if that can be possible.  I wasn't sure I was ready for a child, but I had semi prepared for one.  I graduated High School - on time I might add.  The fire department was good to us.  Everyone was very supportive.  I spent a lot of time there having dinner and playing cards with the guys.  I met some of the wives, but we mostly hung out with the single guys.  I met Renee and Smitty who I continue to be friends with to this day.  I met my best friend Lisa, who continues to be a big part of my life.  

In Sept – when I was 7 months pregnant, Renee and I were headed home from Marquette and we got rear ended by a car.  I started having contractions.  Renee was really worried, and her son was in the car too.  None of us were hurt, and there wasn’t much damage to the truck, but I wasn’t feeling so well.  She quickly headed to the hospital.  She tried to call our husbands, but they were too busy playing Nintendo to care.  My contractions started calming down, and I was told to take it easy.  My husband finally showed up to take me home.   

My pregnancy went pretty well.  After a week of labor and my water finally breaking - Nov 4th 89 I had a daughter - Christina who continues to be an inspiration and light in my life.  She weighed in at 7 lbs, 15oz and was 23 ½ inches long. 

More to follow!

Discovery

So what do u do with a discovery? After watching Shannon Tweed's discovery it got me really thinking. I recently discovered a lump in my right breast. I spoke with my doctor and she told me as long as it hurt there wasn't anything to worry about which it does bother me at times. So what to do. Do I go see the doctor about it and make sure that everything is okay? Or do I just ignore it as my doctor said and don't do anything. I am sure it's just another fatty tumor like I have had pop up all over my body but I just don't like it in there. What to do. Steve says I need to get it checked out. My mom died last year of cancer. She had a scare a few years ago with her right breast as well and they did a biopsy and it was nothing. I will most likely do something soon I never manage to take good care of myself but I am very self conscious about my body especially since I have lost so much weight and all the excess skin is annoying. I wish I could afford to have surgery to get rid of it but alas I am poor and our insurance won't cover it :(. So for now I will try to get an appointment with my doctor or another doctor and try to figure out what's going on.

This week

This week has been so crazy, but at least my brother is doing better.  He so badly wants to talk to people and I keep telling him just be patient.  He is able to remember things a little better now, and had a really hard time when he realized that this past Thursday was my Mom's birthday.  I totally understand his pain!  Hopefully with time we will all heal.  I made a really good dinner for tonight - I hope my family enjoys it.  I try to make new things every once in awhile to keep things interesting.  I am just sitting here now, watching a movie and trying to relax.  I really think my husband needs some cuddle time tonight, since I haven't been real nice to him as of late! 

Inspiration

I have spent the last few weeks just going through the motions of the weeks past. It's been so crazy in my life. I can't believe how fast the last year has flown by. I have been thinking a lot about my life and which direction I am heading. This past year has been the hardest on me ever. Last July I lost my mother to cancer. It was a long battle and she lost. She lived a short but long life. Tomorrow would have been her 67th birthday. We always joked that she was the same age as my Brooke. 6+7=13 Every year she would be the same age as Brooke :) Brooke just turned 13. She asked us in her will to get an orange rose and put it in our table to remember her by. I was on a mission to find an orange rose today an I was successful. Thank god for that! I have lost 2 children and it didn't hurt as bad as this has. I miss my mom. My mom was my inspiration. She was my rock, my mentor, my shield. She tried to keep me from the bad things in life and tried to help me during my rough times. She watched and held my hand when my oldest daughter was born. She hugged and held my hand when we lost our children. She watched over me and listened to me no matter how much I might have hurt her with words. She loved me and I know that. She watched me grow into the woman I have become. I so didn't ever want to be like my mom. I always wanted to be my own person. I find myself sounding like her and saying sillys thing that she did. I never wanted to admit to myself that I am like her but I find myself mimicing her actions. Thanks mom for being you! Life throws u curveballs that u might not be ready for and I wasn't ready to lose her. She meant so much to me. I find myself talking to her on my way to and from work. I find myself asking for advice eventhough she doesn't answer it sometimes makes me feel better. I ask her for strength and understanding when I am dealing with things that are trying on me. Sometimes I even feel her watching over with approving or disapproving eyes. It saddens me to think that tomorrow will be her birthday and she won't be here to celebrate with us. I am sure I will be emotional tomorrow. I pray to god for strength tomorrow and everyday I spend without her here on earth. I wish my mom were here with me. Please mom watch over me an guide me through the rest of my life. Someday we will meet again until then u will be missed terribly!!! I miss the late night canasta games and the dice u were an awesome opponent. I miss eating pickled bologna and cheese and crackers. I miss the silly putty glasses and laughing until we cried. I miss the funny things u said or the way you pronounced mozzerelli. I miss the good times and I miss the bad times. I am so sorry for every hurtful thing I ever said to you. I miss hugging u and telling u how much I love u. U must know exactly how much u are loved and missed not just by me but by our entire family. I love u mom now and forever!!!! I promise to make u as proud as I can and to take care of my family. I will try to teach them as u have taught me. I will try to treat them as they deserve to be treated. I will take care of my brothers as best as I can and I will try to take care of myself as much as possible. I miss you mom!!!!


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Today

So today is family dinner day and we are heading down to the inlaws for a wonderful meal that I don't have to cook yeah!!!! After we get home it's laundry an dishes for me wish a fairy would come through and clean the whole house so I don't have too! Wishful thinking. Back to work tomorrow after a 3 day weekend! This week is preparing for steves birthday next sat! Wonder what he will want for dinner. Hope everyone has a great week!


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snow

Man do I hate the snow - and it's snowing like crazy right now! I really wish it would just stop. The kids will be outta school tomorrow due to the weather, and maybe just maybe there will be a glimmer of hope that I won't have to go into work tomorrow! Keeping fingers crossed!

Enough complaining - time for me to hit the hay - will be a really early morning, since I have to be to work at 7:30 AM and will have to leave very early to get to work on time!

Today

Well at least today wasn't as bad as yesterday - but then again, my car was safely in it's hiding spot - the garage! I was able to start it without problems today. I was even early to work, and managed to stop and get the title replaced for the camaro. We had our employee meeting at work tonight - with some great food. The meeting went well and was glad to finally get outta there. A 10 hour day today. Tomorrow will be better - just that much closer to Friday when I have the day off! No real words of crap today - just same ole work stuff that happens pretty much everyday! I did manage to read a little bit of twitter at lunch - so that was a nice change. The only thing that would make today complete is a little private time with my hubby. The kids are in bed and all is quiet. Tomorrow will come early 6 AM rise time :( Have a great nite!